


feeling good (like i should)

by babychannie



Series: everything i ask for (and so much more) [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bottom Bang Chan, Canon Compliant, Coming In Pants, Drunken Confessions, Established Relationship, Insecurity, M/M, Multiple Orgasms, Top Lee Felix (Stray Kids), but mostly just comfort n reassurance, chan gets wet as fuck because i cannnnnn, chanlix are so in love, it's chan loving hours 24/7 baby and by god felix is gonna show out, it's pwp but it's so soft n mushy, not romantic confessions but 'i kinda want you to rail me' confessions, soft top felix is my everything, this is really just me projecting my intense desire for chan body worship onto felix, this was intended to be a lil few thousand word oneshot that kind of uh. got away from me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:02:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28225824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babychannie/pseuds/babychannie
Summary: “Nah, bro,” Felix insists, “You think it’s irresistibly sexy. It’s okay, I can read between the lines.”God, Chan loves him.“You’re illiterate then.” He says, deadpan, “And don’t call me bro while you’re looking at my bare asshole.”or, Chan's First Time Bottoming™: The Fic
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Series: everything i ask for (and so much more) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2117160
Comments: 60
Kudos: 574





	feeling good (like i should)

**Author's Note:**

> quick scene setting note: the setting of this fic is kinda abstract, but for the sake of "this is pwp and i wanna be horny not worldbuild", i gave chanlix their own apartment to circumvent the "8 guys in a dorm, who has time to fuck" issue. so the way i headcanon this is that chanlix get together sometime around this year (2020), and then this fic is set a couple years in the future, when they're apparently the luckiest idols ever and have their own apartment like 5 years in and also somehow enough free time to be domestic and shit.
> 
> idk, i just wanted chan to get fucked.

They’re in bed when Felix asks the question.

Not sexually – it’s late afternoon on a rare free day and they’re curled up together on the bed, Felix’s head on Chan’s thigh as Chan sits against the headboard and scrolls through his twitter feed. His fingers are tucked beneath the neck of Felix’s t-shirt, thumb traveling back and forth over the delicate ridge of a collarbone. He’s staring mindlessly at the endless parade of profile pictures, concentrated more on the contrast of Felix’s smooth skin under his own rough thumb, when Felix speaks for the first time in a while.

“Do you have any fantasies?”

Chan stops rubbing, glances down at the inquisitive eyes in his lap with a raised eyebrow.

“Like,” Felix sweeps an arm through the air in a grand, abstract gesture that almost hits Chan in the nose, “Sexual desires. Fetishes. Things you want to try.”

 _Oh_. Chan blinks, huffs a little, turns back to his phone.

“What, am I boring you?” He tries to look sulky, but he can’t help the way the corners of his mouth twitch up when Felix suddenly begins to backtrack.

“What? No! Of course not, I _love_ sex with you, you’re _amazing_ , I just- …you’re fucking with me.”

Felix’s voice drops from panicked sputtering to a complete deadpan, and Chan cracks up.

“You didn’t answer my question though!” Felix whines, once he’s done being laughed at, “Do you?”

Of course Chan does. Lots of fantasies, some more shameful than others, some more physically possible than others. One fantasy in particular, really, that’s not even all that fantastical or interesting but still makes anxiety rear in his chest when he considers it. Something he’s never mentioned to Felix before, and has no intention of mentioning now.

Felix is beautiful in an airy, almost fragile way. Chan knows he’s _not_ fragile, of course, knows the strength behind his gentle eyes and in his wiry muscles. But Felix is soft, too, shy and sweet with little fangs that show when he smiles and freckles that dot his cheeks like stardust. He likes to make sweater paws and drink juice boxes and be spooned, and Chan is happy to be the one to do it.

Chan is the older one in their relationship. He may not be taller, but he’s bigger, stronger, more muscular. He’s a leader, a caretaker, spends his days looking after his “kids” and his nights pounding Felix into the mattress. And he really, really wants his pretty little boyfriend to fuck him.

Chan has been with a few boys before Felix, bottoms every one of them. He’s not sure if it’s his physique or his personality or what, but there’s a certain role they’ve expected of him, a certain position and hole it seems he’s supposed to be filling. And he likes to fuck boys, don’t get him wrong. But there’s a part of him that wants to feel full, sometimes. To relinquish control and be taken care of, to be the one getting his legs bent over his head and fingerprints tattooed into his hipbones. To feel the hot completion of climax inside him, lingering even when he’s empty again.

He doesn’t want to ask, for reasons more than just the sexual. Chan is good at giving, not taking. This is the case in everything he does, and the fear of imposing follows him even into the bedroom like a dog trotting at his heels.

But he thinks about it, often. When he’s alone, three spit-slick fingers deep in himself. When he’s riding a lurid pink silicone dildo on bedsheets he’ll hurriedly stick in the washer before Felix comes home. He thinks about slim hips between his thighs, small fingers ghosting around his rim. He thinks about Felix holding his knees apart, kissing him hard and telling him he’s beautiful. And he thinks about asking, he does, but something crawls up his throat and snaps his jaw shut every time.

This time is no different. Except he considers it, just for a second, and that’s a second too long for the boy who knows him better than anyone.

“…Nah. You?”

Felix’s eyes narrow. “You hesitated.”

“No, I didn’t.” Chan responds immediately. Rookie mistake.

“What is it?” Felix asks, a wicked grin spreading on his face as he tugs at the hem of Chan’s shirt, “Teeeelllll meeeeee.”

The anxiety starts to roil in Chan’s gut again, because now Felix has latched onto A Secret, and he won’t let it go until his curiosity is sated. Chan has experience.

“There’s nothing, Felix.” He insists, “Really, what we’re doing is perfect.”

Felix sits up fully now. “Oh come _on_ , Chan! I promise I won’t make fun of you, I’m just curious.”

And Chan knows Felix is right. He _knows_ it’s not that deep, knows Felix loves him and would never love him any less for wanting to do something in bed that – that Felix himself did, for fucksake. But the thought still makes him feel itchy and exposed and embarrassed, in a way. Felix always says that Chan treats him so well, takes such good care of him. What if Felix thinks _Chan_ wanting to be taken care of makes him less capable, less attractive somehow?

So he stays silent, eyes darting down and away in an involuntary show of submission. He feels embarrassed now not only for what he wants, but for making such a big deal out of something that Felix does all the time. God, what if Felix thinks Chan thinks less of _him_ for bottoming? He doesn’t, of course he doesn’t, but he also doesn’t really know how to express the way his insecurities only apply to him.

“Whoa, hey.” Felix’s voice is a lot softer, and Chan feels a petite hand grab his own where he had begun nervously picking at the blankets, “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to.”

Chan looks back at him, nods once.

“Sorry.” He apologizes, feeling awkward and now Felix is awkward and this whole situation is awkward, “I’ll tell you eventually. I just, like…” he shrugs.

“It’s fine, Chris.” Felix says with a gentle smile that makes Chan feel simultaneously self-conscious and warm inside, “But how long have you known me? I can’t promise I’ll be into it, but I’d never be disgusted or anything.”

“I know.” Chan pacifies him, “But you didn’t answer my question. What’s yours?”

They both know he’s redirecting, but Felix blushes pink and giggles a bit anyways. “Wellll….I was thinking you could tie me up, maybe?”

Chan stares at him for a long moment.

A fortnight of research and questionable online purchases later, Felix is bound to the headboard with pastel pink ropes, and Chan forgets that he ever wanted to do anything but destroy him.

* * *

It’s a week or so after that when Chan goes out for the night with some old friends of his. He hasn’t seen them in ages, but Felix still has to practically shove him out the door. He’s always going, going, going, and there’s so much to worry about and he really doesn’t have _time_ to be going out but-

He wants to, and Chan really doesn’t get to do what he wants very often. So. Fuck it.

It’s the most fun he’s had in ages, although the effects of his busy schedule are evident when he tries to match them drink for drink. When he gets home, he’s stumbling over his own feet, laughing too loudly and calling Felix “Lixie-baby”. Felix grins a grin that’s one part exasperated and two parts fond, small hands holding him by the hipbones to keep him steady. Chan kisses that grin off his face messily, and if he wasn’t too drunk and half-asleep the way Felix giggles into his mouth would have Chan reaching for his waistband.

Chan doesn’t even realize he’s thinking about the question again until an hour or so later, as they lie in a tangle of limbs on the bed. Felix was victorious in his quest to force half a leftover pizza and a gallon of water down Chan’s throat, and now Chan feels heavy and drowsy with his head tucked under Felix’s jaw. He could almost fall asleep, almost, but there’s an itch dancing around in the back of his mind, a little bit of residual warmth below his belly button. The words slip between his lips without his realizing, and then it’s out and the embarrassment is only a little dulled but he suddenly feels so much lighter.

“The thing….I didn’t wanna tell you.” He mumbles into Felix’s neck, “I wanna bottom, sometimes.”

Felix is silent for a long, long moment, and Chan wonders if he fell asleep and Chan won’t have to deal with this right now after all.

“That’s…you….that’s it?” He finally responds, sounding utterly baffled, “You wanna bottom?”

Chan’s offended enough that he musters the energy to raise his head and glower at Felix. Felix looks a little embarrassed.

“No, no! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” he seems to turn the words over in his mouth for a moment, careful. “I mean like, really? That’s what you want, Channie?”

Felix doesn’t sound the way Chan was expecting. The tone of his voice is almost…awed.

Chan can’t look at him anymore. He drops his face into Felix’s neck and grunts an affirmative into the soft skin.

“Why didn’t you tell me, love?” Felix coos, stroking his fingertips up and down Chan’s sides. “We could’ve been doing that _ages_ ago.”

_Huh?_

Chan peeks back up at Felix, who’s grinning like an idiot as he looks at Chan. This was a…much more positive response than he was expecting.

“You like that?” He asks, surprise coloring his voice.

Felix tilts his head to the side, looking Chan up and down with new eyes. “Are you kidding me? I’ve been thinking about that forever. I never asked because I figured you wouldn’t be into it.”

Chan blinks. Felix has been _thinking about this forever_. What does that mean? Does Felix fuck his fist in the shower while thinking about holding Chan up against the wall? Does he dream about spreading Chan apart on their mattress, of laying back and watching Chan’s thighs work as Chan rides him?

Alcohol or no alcohol, his cock twitches.

“Oh.” Is all he says, because he doesn’t know what else to say. Everything is hazy and he feels a little stupid.

There’s a moment of silence where it seems like Felix might be waiting for him to say something else, but he doesn’t, so Felix threads small fingers through his hair and scratches his scalp gently.

“Why didn’t you want to tell me that? There’s nothing bad about it.”

Chan squirms in Felix’s arms, because he knows how he feels and he knows it feels shitty but he also knows that voicing those feelings out loud could sound incredibly juvenile. Still, his filter was down the drain hours ago, and he answers with only a moment’s hesitation.

“Thought you’d think it was unattractive. Or just, like, weird. I don’t know.” He mumbles, trying his hardest to disappear into Felix’s neck.

“Wh- Chris, baby,” Felix sighs, and Chan can tell he understands. He always does. “I like _you_. I’m attracted to _you_. Not some role you play. I’d want to make you feel good even _if_ this wasn’t something I really wanted. You deserve things, you know.”

Chan makes a noncommittal noise, and Felix lets out a little chuckle.

“I’ll convince you eventually. We can talk more when you’re sober, yeah?”

“Mmmkay.” Chan agrees, planting a sloppy goodnight kiss against the underside of Felix’s jaw that has him giggling and squirming away.

He feels a lot lighter when he finally closes his eyes and lets the fog take him under.

* * *

The next morning, Chan feels like _ass_. He feels like ass warmed over. Which all things considered is a little embarrassing because wasn’t even _that_ drunk, but the Sunday-morning sunlight still seems to have a personal vendetta against his eyeballs.

Once he blinks the sand out of his eyes, he takes a look at his phone and sees a few affectionately mocking messages from his friends in response to his “ _got h ome aalive_ ” text from the night before. He doesn’t respond to their accurate predictions of his state the next morning, because refusing to acknowledge it means it didn’t happen and therefore he cannot be bullied for it indefinitely.

He’s also alone in the bed, he notices. Not surprising, because Felix is an early riser and Chan likes to get a little beauty sleep even on nights he doesn’t do four tequila shots in his first ten minutes.

The other thing he notices is the fact that Felix has left the largest cup they own full of water on the nightstand, and Chan feels a surge of love for the best boyfriend in the world. Love or bile.

One small lake’s worth of hydration later, he stumbles out of the bedroom and into what appears to be a small artisan brunch restaurant taking up what was once the kitchen and dining area of their apartment. There are various and sundry pots, pans, spatulas, whisks, and mixing spoons spread across every available surface, each dusted with a light snowfall of flour. The sound of crackling oil drifts from the stove on the back of a notable bacon aroma, and even Chan’s lightly nauseated stomach snarls. Felix is blocking the ambrosia of hungover producers from Chan’s view, back to him as he flips strips one by one.

“Mornin’ babe.” Chan calls, wincing at the cracks in his voice.

Felix whirls around with a smile bright enough to rival the sun, but much easier on the eyes. “Channie! How are you feeling?”

Chan snorts. “About as fantastic as you’d expect. Why are you so chipper?”

“You’re gonna let me stick my dick in your ass!” Felix chirps.

His excitement is so nonchalant that he’s turned back to the sizzling pan, humming cheerfully, before Chan actually registers what he just said. His mind takes a beat to helpfully remind him that yes, actually, that _is_ a thing that happened less than twelve hours ago.

“Right.” Chan’s voice rasps past the fat lump that’s suddenly formed in his throat. “You really…like, really? Seriously? You’re not just humoring me?”

Felix holds up one finger in a silent request for pause, not even turning around as he uses the tongs to pluck perfectly crispy bacon strips out of the pan and drop them on a plate. Once the pan is empty and the burner is off, he wipes his hands dry on the dish towel and faces Chan.

“Do you trust me?” He asks, and his eyes are huge and pretty and shiny and there’s a little bit of an upward quirk to the corner of his lips.

“Of course I do-” Chan starts, ready to make excuses, but he’s cut off by Felix saying “Okay then,” and stalking towards him with eye contact that never wavers.

Chan doesn’t know what he’s expecting – a stern talking-to, an emotional support speech. Anything but his sweet little boyfriend pinning him to the wall and kissing him hard on the mouth. Chan melts into him instinctually, arms coming up around Felix’s waist as Felix grips his t-shirt in fists whose small size belies their strength. Felix kisses him once, then again and again and again, his breath hitting Chan’s lips as he speaks in between each one.

“Then listen-” Kiss. “To me.” Kiss. “When I tell you-” Kiss. “I _want_ you.” Kiss.

He’s sucking hickeys aggressively into Chan’s neck, making Chan’s bare toes curl against the linoleum, when Chan finally sighs, “Okay. Sorry.”

Felix pulls away to look at him for a second, eyes molten bronze as they trap the late-morning sunlight. His gaze is intense, but so, so soft that Chan has to look away towards the little crinkling lines of happiness at the corners of his eyes. They scrunch up his freckles like a pointillist painting.

Felix lays one last kiss, tender, against the corner of Chan’s lips. “Don’t apologize,” he murmurs into the skin there. “I get it. I’ll tell you whenever you need to hear it.”

Then he steps back, beaming wide and pleased like he had been all morning. “Breakfast will be done in like fifteen. Go brush your teeth, your mouth is gross.”

He flounces back off towards the stove, leaving Chan standing speechless against the wall. Chan watches Felix pull out a new pan and swallows hard.

His mouth _is_ gross. He goes to brush his teeth.

* * *

Chan is so goddamn lucky, he thinks when he returns to a full breakfast buffet.

Felix is busy plating up pancakes, fat and fluffy and speckled with what look like perfectly molten chocolate chips. Chan watches from the doorway as he squeezes the dish onto the table in between bacon strips, scrambled eggs, sausage, a fruit bowl, and – is that homemade _bread_?

 _Fuck_ , sometimes Chan doesn’t know what he did to deserve a man like Felix.

Felix turns to him, smirking in a way that tells Chan that Felix knows full well the praises he’s singing in his head.

“Well?” He asks, making a grand dramatic gesture towards the chair on the opposite side of the table, “Don’t just stand there with your dick hard, come eat!”

Chan is in love. He takes his seat.

“Is this my thank-you for asking you to fuck me?” He asks as he shovels half of the prepared sausages onto his own plate.

Felix spears one of them with his fork, ignoring the serving dish completely.

“Nah,” he says, popping it into his mouth before Chan can protest. “It’s your classical conditioning. Rewards for good behavior, like talking to your boyfriend about your feelings.”

Chan turns a little pink, but the words are nothing but affectionate.

“I’m sorry,” He says, feeling even more embarrassed and childish about the whole thing now that he’s sober, “I didn’t mean to…like, to seem like I didn’t trust you or anything. I know it’s kind of a stupid thing to be so worried about. I just…I have a lot of hang-ups. You know.” He finishes awkwardly, promptly drowning himself in orange juice.

Felix reaches across the table and takes Chan’s hand gently in his own. “And that’s okay, baby. I understand. I really do want _you_ to understand, though, that I love you. And I want you to feel like you can trust me with these things. Anything that bothers you is _not_ stupid.”

Chan slips a thumb up and over Felix’s knuckles and squeezes gently. Then he nods.

“I just…you’re not the first person I’ve asked, you know?” He says, squirming in his seat. It’s always awkward to talk about past relationships with your current lover. Felix, however, seems unconcerned with that part of the confession.

“Huh?” He asks, eyebrows pinching together, “What do you mean?”

Chan breaks eye contact and sucks on his teeth. “Like. They uh. Just. Nobody’s ever like. Wanted that before.”

Felix blinks. Blinks again. Looks Chan up and down for a moment. Then he says, “You’re shitting me.”

Chan shakes his head and shrugs. “I dunno. People like what they like, right? And that’s not…me bottoming, I guess. Not till now.” He finishes shyly.

Felix opens and closes his mouth a few times before stuffing it with pancake, looking like he’d very much like to say some things but was keeping himself in check.

“…They’re missing out,” he says finally, “and so are you.”

Chan frowns, picking at a piece of cantaloupe with his fork.

“Well, I’m not trying to.” he says petulantly, “I try to take care of it it myself, but it’s not so easy when all I’ve got are my own hands.”

Felix swallows his next bite of pancake very hard. “You…?” He starts, then shakes his head quickly. “Nevermind, of course you do. Of course.”

The end of his sentence trails off, distracted gaze fixing somewhere on the middle distance of the bacon plate. After a moment lost in thoughts that Chan can only imagine, Felix blinks the haze away and meets his eyes with ears a little redder than before.

“Anyways!” He says brightly, “ _I_ ’ _m_ not going to be missing out, and neither are you, anymore.” He waves a piece of egg on a fork imperiously in Chan’s direction. “This is a horrible injustice that I will graciously take upon myself the burden of correcting.”

Chan rolls his eyes. “You pull that out of your own ass, or did you get it from a movie?”

Felix ignores the question completely. “I’d like to pull something out of your ass.” He says lasciviously, wiggling his eyebrows up and down in a thoroughly embarrassing manner.

“Why are you like this?” Chan sighs, shoving a bacon strip into his mouth. But he’s smiling despite himself, and for the moment his insecurities seem a world and a half away.

* * *

Chan takes a nap. When he wakes up, Felix is there, sprawled out across the other side of the sea of rumpled blankets. He’s got a book in his hand, some collection of poetry Chan remembered him picking up at an old library book sale after one of their concerts. The cover is a soft navy blue, speckled with afternoon light peeking through the slits of the drawn blinds. Gold flashes off the ring on his index finger and dances across warm freckled skin. He looks like a work of art, elegant somehow even now, while he’s got his other hand down his pants scratching an itch.

Chan feels the cold wetness of drool drying under his cheek. He was not so blessed with that elegance.

Felix glances over at him when Chan lifts his head to wipe the offending substance from his lips. He closes his book, teeth flashing in an easy smile.

“Morning, love.” He says in a soft voice, hand coming down to card gently through Chan’s bedhead. “Feeling better?”

Chan rolls onto his back, knocking his shoulder affectionately into Felix’s thigh. He stretches his arms above his head with an exaggerated groan and rumbles, “Almost alive.”

He doesn’t miss the way Felix’s eyes flick downwards as his shirt rides up, tracing the fine hairs trailing from his bellybutton down into his sweats. It sends a thrill through him like it always does, after all these years – to see the way Felix so openly stares. Chan’s boyfriend may be reserved in a lot of things, but when it’s just the two of them, he has never been afraid to look his fill.

It makes Chan glow inside. To feel Felix’s hands touch him so tenderly, see Felix’s eyes watch him so hungrily. He feels safe. He feels comfortable. He feels _loved._

He feels like he can have what he wants.

“So.” Chan says.

Felix meets his eyes quizzically, unaware he’d been staring or just unashamed. Chan feels the corners of his lips quirk up.

“You wanna fuck me?”

Felix’s eyes widen for just a moment. He turns onto his side, so they’re facing each other.

“Now?” There’s wonder in his voice as he searches Chan’s face for confirmation.

The nervousness is still there of course, two-finger’s worth swirling restless at the bottom of Chan’s stomach. But he feels the way Felix’s fingers tighten in his hair, sees the way Felix looks like he’s about to vibrate out of his skin with excitement, and he can’t help but smile.

“Yeah.” Chan murmurs, reaching out and taking Felix by the hips. “I trust you. I _want_ you.”

Felix gives Chan a look that he can’t quite parse, like Felix has in his hands the greatest gift he could have ever been given. He looks tender. He looks adoring. He looks _ravenous_. And then he all but tackles Chan flat back into the mattress.

His boyfriend’s enthusiasm makes Chan burst into giggles as he feels lips touch against his temple, his cheek, his jawbone, his ear. Felix settles himself straddling Chan’s waist.

“If you ever feel-”, he says between pecks, “-uncomfortable, if you wanna do something different, if you wanna stop for _any_ reason-”

He sits up and stares Chan down from above with serious eyes. “-you tell me.”

“I will. I promise.” Chan says, then reaches up to thread his fingers through Felix’s hair and guide him down.

When Felix kisses him, it’s heavy, passionate, so all-consuming that Chan feels like he’s being swallowed up. He’s never been kissed like this, like Felix has been waiting for something. Like Felix is trying to tell him something.

Chan thinks he’s getting the message.

Felix’s hand slides under the hem of his shirt, a little cool, making him startle. Felix giggles against his mouth, kisses all the way from his lips down his cheek to the shell of his ear. Chan makes a whiny little _haah_ sound into the bedroom air, feels his cheeks and ears color at the noise – a little embarrassed, as he always is by his own sensitivity. But Felix isn’t having that today, and he takes Chan’s earlobe between his teeth again and again and again, until Chan’s so hard he bucks up into the air between them involuntarily.

“Let me hear you, baby.” Felix murmurs into his hair, “I love hearing you.”

Felix’s voice usually gets higher when he’s turned on, pitching upwards into whimpers of Chan’s name as he’s bounced up against the headboard. Something about having a cock inside him makes him squeal. Right now, though, on top of Chan, looking at him with those dark, dark eyes and a touch like a brand on Chan’s stomach, Felix’s voice rumbles low in his chest like a caged animal.

Usually, Chan only hears that voice when Felix is snarling out a particularly harsh lyric or dropping pitch for comedic effect. In another situation, it might make him laugh. But there’s nothing funny about Felix saying things like _that_.

His hand quivers just slightly on the back of Felix’s neck, and he suddenly becomes very, very aware of the tightness of his pants.

Felix has been hovering over Chan till now, his wandering mouth and hands their only points of contact. But now he presses their hips together in a slow roll, drags his hardness across Chan’s own, and Chan _mmm_ s into his mouth at the feeling. Everything feels so _heightened_ right now, so _new_ , even though this is _Felix_ and Chan knows Felix’s body like the back of his hand. But this…this feels like the first time again, exploring one another’s bodies with wonder in Chan’s top bunk back at the dorm. Touching Felix’s arousal and realizing oh, _he wants me too_.

The way Felix’s fingers and lips slide over his skin tells Chan that he feels the same way. Every movement is deliberate. Inquisitive, as though something about Chan like this is different, needs to be rediscovered. When Felix’s ring flicks cold over one of Chan’s nipples and he inhales up into the touch, Felix sounds as pleased as he did the first time he’d realized how sensitive they were.

The whole time Felix is mapping Chan’s chest like a cartographer, he’s grinding heavy and steady and agonizingly slow. There’s heat building in Chan’s gut and Felix is everywhere, hands and mouth and cock and Chan doesn’t even know what to concentrate on, or how to concentrate on anything at all. Felix’s breath is hot and his lips are hot and the room is hot and Chan feels as drunk as he did last night.

Felix is gonna fuck him. God, Felix is gonna _fuck_ him. Chan’s hole clenches at the thought, and he jolts up hard into the body above him.

“You’re _teasing_.” He means for the words to come out confidently playful, but they’re closer to a whine.

Felix pulls away from where he’s nosing at the hollow of Chan’s throat. His pupils are blown and his lips are swollen and his freckles float over the pink flush on his cheeks.

“You’re so impatient,” He purrs, running a finger gently from Chan’s temple down to his jaw, “So _desperate_. How long have you been waiting for this, hm?”

Felix bends down to press his lips to Chan’s tragus. “You’re so _pent up_. You think you could cum in your pants right now, thinking about what I’m going to do to you?”

Chan wants to be embarrassed. The way Felix is talking is half-joking, pornographic in a way that has always made Chan giggle and hide his face in Felix’s neck in the past. But he _is_ pent up and he _is_ desperate and he _is_ gonna cum in his fucking pants, feeling that cock sliding against his own and thinking about how it wants to fill him. So he grunts, “Yes.”

Felix leans back and stares at him, bravado slipping away as he blinks down at Chan. Chan’s face burns as he averts his eyes towards the ceiling.

“Fuck,” Felix growls, dropping his head down into Chan’s neck and rolling his hips hard, sloppy, graceless, “ _Fuck_.”

Chan makes a helpless little _nnh_ sound, gripping Felix’s waist tightly with both hands and letting his head tip back into the pillow. And he shouldn’t start talking, he _shouldn’t_ , but he’s somewhere he never thought he’d be and feeling as safe and sexy and _desirable_ as he’s ever felt, and he thinks Felix deserves to hear this as much as he desperately wants to say it.

“I fucking-” he gasps as Felix mouths at his pulse point, “For _so_ long, I- you have no idea.”

Felix stops all movement, raises himself up on his arms to give Chan his full attention. Chan feels his ears color and sort of wishes Felix would have kept his face down in Chan’s neck.

“I…” He starts, eyes sliding away from Felix’s intent gaze and onto the ceiling plaster – he’s being brave but not _that_ brave. “I’d always…in the shower, in the studio, in bed when you weren’t home…and now I’m here and I’m just _thinking_ about it, and just knowing that you want to, I just. I could cum just knowing that.”

He peeks back over at Felix, and Felix is blushing scarlet all the way down his chest, mouth opening and closing silently for a moment before he finally sputters, “Chris. Chris, _god_. You’re so fucking… _god_. Can I? Do you think you could…”

Felix’s hips stutter forward as if to punctuate that sentence, and Chan takes stock of the throbbing between his legs. He can feel the wetness of precum soaking his underwear already. Honestly, the way things are going, he’d be surprised if he didn’t cum while Felix was fingering him open ( _Felix fingering him open, fuck_ ) if not sooner. Could he cum again if he did? That takes a lot less consideration.

He glances up at Felix from beneath his lashes and breathes “ _Yes._ ”

Felix swoops down to capture his lips before the word has even fully left his mouth. Chan lets his legs spread far apart as Felix rocks against him, distantly noting how Felix’s hands are slipping his t-shirt up to his armpits to drop messy kisses against any part of Chan’s body he can reach.

Chan hadn’t even realized his eyes had slid shut, but he cracks them open again to watch Felix work, biceps flexing as he ruts down against Chan, mouth making obscene noises against Chan’s skin. His body is strong between Chan’s legs, hipbones pressing against hipbones, and it’s not like they’ve never done anything like this before when Chan was topping but the promise hangs in the air heavy, like smoke. It hazes in Chan’s vision and around his mind. Felix laves his tongue over one of Chan’s hard nipples, and Chan shivers and sighs and squeezes his waist.

He shifts his body up, just a tiny bit, and Felix lets out a little breath against Chan’s skin when he realizes what Chan wants. He shimmies down a couple inches, pushes Chan’s legs up and apart, and presses his arousal against Chan’s ass. He thrusts up into Chan’s crease, and Chan can feel every inch of his hardness even through the barrier of their pants and underwear. He’s had something like a cock down there before, something room temperature and plasticky, but now he imagines he can feel the heat, the throb of Felix through four layers of fabric.

That’s going to be inside him. Felix _wants_ that to be inside him. Felix _fantasizes_ about that being inside him.

All it takes is for Felix to suck Chan’s nipple between his teeth and fuck hard against his ass, and Chan feels his entire body tighten and snap like a bowstring. He grips Felix’s biceps tight and presses his hole against Felix’s clothed cock with a shuddery noise, eyelashes fluttering as he spills into his underwear between their bodies. Felix continues to rock against him gently as he rides out his orgasm and comes down, slumping bonelessly back into the mattress with his eyes closed and his face hot.

He allows himself to float in bliss for a moment, just a moment, before cracking his heavy eyes open when he feels Felix’s movements slow to a stop.

Felix is hovering over him, eyes gigantic, dark pools, lips shiny with spit and parted dumbly as he looks down at Chan. Chan doesn’t really know what he looks like right now, but he knows his eyes are half-lidded and his hair is a mess and his cheeks are probably very pink. Whatever it is that Felix sees, it makes his breath uneven.

“Mmmh, thank you baby.” Chan murmurs dopily, reeling a bit from how intense that completely contactless orgasm was, sated for the moment from his racing thoughts of being filled.

Felix jerks back suddenly, sitting up so fast he nearly falls over backwards, and Chan blinks in surprise at the sudden withdrawal.

_What was he-_

“Gimme a minute.” Felix grunts, and sticks a hand down his pants.

Chan stares at him in bewilderment. Is he going to jerk himself off? He should know Chan would be happy to- but no, his hand doesn’t move, just sits between his spread legs rigidly. Felix squeezes his eyes shut, head dropping back and mouth twisting into a wince as his forearm flexes hard.

 _Oh_.

They sit there in silence for a moment, Chan’s breathing slowing down to normal as he watches Felix try to stave off his orgasm. After nearly a minute, Felix’s body relaxes as he releases himself.

“Sorry.” He says nonchalantly, slipping his hand out of his waistband, “You’re just so pretty when you cum.”

Chan feels himself flushing all over again, but this time there’s no humor to take the edge off. Felix is obviously trying to keep his thoughts PG enough to last the foreplay, but there’s an adoration in his eyes that’s dark and heady.

“That was so fucking hot, Chris.” He murmurs, voice dropping bassline-low again. “That what you look like when you think about me?”

Chan hums noncommittally, the ghost of a smirk tugging at the corners of his lips.

“I wouldn’t know,” He responds innocently, “I can’t see myself.”

Felix considers that for a moment. “I’d like to, sometime.” He puffs his bangs out of his face, moving on before Chan can think too hard about _that_ request. “You need a minute?”

Instead of answering, Chan tugs his shirt the rest of the way over his head and rakes his flyaway curls back.

“C’mere.” He says, and Felix nearly faceplants into the bedspread in his haste to comply.

Felix kisses Chan softer now – once, twice, three times, as Chan tugs at the fabric of his shirt impatiently. Felix breaks the connection to pull the offending item over his head, and as soon as he has access, Chan touches every bit of bare skin he can reach. Felix’s body may be slimmer than his own, but it’s hard and strong. Chan loves to dig his fingertips into the ridges of muscle that flex as Felix moves against him in bed, to admire the contrast of his pale hands against the darker gold of Felix’s skin. He rolls a pebbled nipple between his fingers, and Felix drops his face back down to muffle a pleased little noise against Chan’s lips. Felix rolls his hips against Chan’s spent cock experimentally. Chan feels himself beginning to harden again in anticipation.

Felix breaks the kiss and sits back on his haunches between Chan’s legs. He runs his fingers up the insides of Chan’s thighs and tucks them into the waistband of Chan’s black sweatpants, brands of heat against sensitive skin.

“Can I?” He asks softly, and Chan says “Yeah,” and raises his hips.

Felix shifts out of the way and tugs Chan’s pants and boxers down in one swift motion. Chan can’t help but sigh at the freedom from his hot, sticky prison. Felix makes a sound as well, one much more reminiscent of a squeaky toy that’s been stepped on. Chan follows his gaze to see his own pink, swollen, half-hard cock, shiny and wet with the cum that’s smeared itself all over his length, his pelvis, the dark curls at his base.

Felix leans down, eyes on one thing only, glancing up at Chan through his lashes for permission. Chan nods. He fists his hand in the sheets and inhales sharply as he feels Felix’s tongue lick a long, sloppy stripe up the underside of his cock.

Felix presses Chan’s thighs apart with open palms as he works to clean up every drop of Chan’s release. He slurps at Chan’s length and the skin around it with noises that are absolutely obscene, and when he’s finished Chan is much cleaner and rock hard once again. Felix takes in the sight between Chan’s legs with satisfaction in his eyes, the hard set of his mouth with even more.

“Thank you.” Chan says, once he’s sure he can keep the words steady.

Felix smiles again, that brilliant, disarming smile that belongs nowhere near a bedroom. Then he slips a hand into the crook of Chan’s right knee, and asks, “Can I see you?”

Chan’s face burns, because why did he have to say it like _that_? And he lets Felix tug his knees upwards and apart.

It’s not like Felix has never seen his asshole before – they’ve been dating for _years_ , and lived together in a cramped dorm for years before that. But it’s never been the main attraction, something for Felix to just _look_ at. Felix’s gaze is intent, hungry. Chan suddenly wishes that he’d taken the time to examine himself in the bathroom beforehand, to make sure everything was neat and tidy. He hadn’t exactly been expecting this today, so he hadn’t really groomed a whole lot down there recently…and there’s still sticky half-dried cum in his pubes, and he’s sure his skin must be red from the friction of their grinding, and he’s never even really _looked_ at his own hole, he couldn’t even say how it compares to _Felix’s_ , much less any other men Felix may have seen like this, and-

“You’re _beautiful_.” Felix whispers, and Chan suddenly feels the pad of a small thumb press gently against his entrance.

He jumps a bit at the soft touch, clenching involuntarily, but Felix doesn’t try to push it in. He just rubs gentle circles around Chan’s rim, and despite the reality of what he’s doing, it doesn’t feel dirty. It feels like when Chan comes home after a long, hard day, muscles tight, and Felix massages his shoulders till he could melt off his chair. It feels casually, overwhelmingly loving.

“I’ve never been able to really see you like this,” Felix’s eyes shine as his voice reflects Chan’s thoughts, “I’ve imagined it so many times, but the picture was hazy at best.”

Chan feels the thumb move away from his entrance, stroking lightly down one of his cheeks as Felix takes in the view with diligence that makes Chan squirm. Then Felix leans down, and there’s hot breath on his hole and soft lips touching his rim.

Felix _kisses_ him down there, and Chan lets out all the air in his lungs in one sharp burst.

Felix peeks up at him, nose grazing Chan’s balls in a motion that makes Chan’s cock pulse, then leans his cheek against the inside of Chan’s thigh and grins.

“Think you could cum _three_ times?” He asks playfully, and it takes Chan a moment to get the implication of what he’s saying.

“No.” He squeaks. “No, no, nope, no. No, I think I literally _could not_ take that. Probably have a heart attack, honestly. Oh my _god_.”

“Hmm.” Felix pouts, but in an exaggerated way that tells Chan he expected that answer. “Next time, then.”

He dips down for one more peck between Chan’s legs, and it takes everything Chan has not to squeak at the feeling.

He’s never even _thought_ about that, really, but now that it’s on the table – well, there’s so _much_ on the table now that it feels like one of Felix’s breakfast spreads. There’s so much of Felix that Chan hasn’t had, hasn’t felt, hasn’t tasted. His head spins with the possibilities, desires spilling out of his mental closet like a Jenga tower crashing down when the foundation block is pulled out from under it. There’s so much that he _wants_ …

Chan swallows and pushes the idea out of his mind. He wants Felix’s cock more than anything right now, and even as desperately horny as he is, he has his limits.

When Felix sits up, Chan gets to see the cock in question, straining noticeably against the front of Felix’s joggers. The craving must show in his face, because Felix glances from Chan to himself and back with an expression that’s as shy as it is smug.

“Ready for it, Channie?”

Chan groans and drops his head back onto the pillow. He is _not_ going to let the cringey porno line work on him _twice_.

Felix laughs, bright as a bell, and shakes one of Chan’s calves with unapologetic persistence.

“C’mooon, you love it. It totally worked on you earlier.”

Chan narrows his eyes at him, choosing to ignore the fact that he’s technically correct. “Absolutely not. You’re imagining things.”

“Nah, bro,” Felix insists, “You think it’s irresistibly sexy. It’s okay, I can read between the lines.”

_God, Chan loves him._

“You’re illiterate then.” He says, deadpan, “And don’t call me bro while you’re looking at my bare asshole.”

The way Felix cackles is in direct contrast to the way he smooths a tender thumb over the skin of Chan’s calf, the stubble that’s grown in since the last time Chan shaved his legs. Then he gets serious.

“You said you’ve got some experience with fingering yourself, but have you ever…you know, done anything with anyone else?” He asks gently. Chan knows he’s thinking of Chan’s admittedly depressing relationship history.

He gnaws at his lower lip while he shakes his head shyly. Felix sucks in a breath and lets it out slowly.

“So I’d be…your first.”

The words carry an undercurrent of something dark and possessive, something Chan’s never heard from Felix before. He looks nearly intoxicated by the idea. Chan’s hole twitches.

Felix shakes his head as if to clear it, golden locks flying around his face.

“Compartmentalizing that,” he says with a grin, “We’re gonna have to go real slow. Stretch you out a little more than you’re used to. Okay?”

His expression is earnest, and Chan remembers that adventurous solo masturbation sessions or no, Felix is the expert on all of this. Felix knows how much unprepared penetration can hurt. The fact that he cares so much, is willing to put aside his own obviously torturous arousal to make sure Chan is comfortable and feels nothing but good today is…it makes Chan feel warm, like when Felix brings fresh-baked treats to him in the studio or forces Chan to let him pay for their dates.

But there is something he hasn’t exactly mentioned, yet.

“Um.” He says, twisting the sheets between his fingers, “Actually…”

He hesitates, a little embarrassed to admit just how _far_ his fantasies of Felix had gone. Felix tilts his head to the side inquisitively, eyes big and curious, and Chan’s own eyes fall down again to the sizeable bulge in his pants. About the _same_ size, in fact, as…

“I have, um. Toys. A toy. That I use.” He mumbles, picking at a stray thread as Felix gapes.

Felix takes a moment too long to find his voice. “Like. Like…what do you mean by ‘toy’? I’ve never seen anything like that around here.”

Chan can’t help the abashed, airy giggle that slips out as he rubs a hand over his face. “Yeah, I mean, I would like…hide it. And wait till you’d gone out somewhere to ride it and then get rid of all the evidence before you came back.”

Felix bites his lip at the words _ride it_. “You would…are you _serious_? Oh my god, where is it? Lemme see.”

Excitement curls around the demand in a way that leaves Chan no room for argument. Felix slides out from between his legs expectantly and Chan rolls off the bed, pretending he doesn’t know that Felix is staring openly at his ass while he walks to the dresser. He slides open a drawer and roots around in the back of it with practiced motions till he finds the velvet bag he’d buried where Felix was least likely to go.

“The sock drawer? Come on.”

Chan sticks his tongue out. “You steal literally every other piece of clothing I own.”

“Yeah, and I need to start going for the socks too, apparently.” Felix sulks.

Chan’s face falls at the prospect as he tosses the bag in Felix’s direction. “Please don’t. You never give anything back, and I actually need those.”

Felix pretends not to hear him, but Chan can see the impish curve to his lips while he examines the package in his hands. Then he yanks the drawstring open, pulls out its contents, and stares.

“Oh, there’s no way. There’s no fucking way.”

Chan’s leaning against the front of the dresser, hiding his blush in his hands as Felix cackles over the fact that his boyfriend has been fucking himself on a neon pink, realistically detailed penis when he’s out of the house.

“You _ride_ this when I’m gone? I genuinely don’t know whether to laugh or cum in my pants right now.” He says. His grin is wicked. “You think about me and my bright pink cock when you do it?”

Chan groans into his hands, but he’s laughing, the way only Felix could make him during a conversation like this. There’s something else about that dildo, though, that makes Felix’s words hit a little too close to home.

Felix falls quiet, and Chan knows he’s realized it.

He peeps over his fingers and sees Felix holding the fake penis in one hand – his right, grip a loose fist as if it’s his own dick that he’s jerking off. He examines it closely, a small pucker between his brows as if he’s trying to figure something out. Then, he stands up and unceremoniously yanks his pants and underwear down just enough to free his hard, leaking cock.

The sight of it – swollen to bursting and flushed, tip shiny with smeared precum, bobbing with the force of its exit from Felix’s waistband – distracts Chan so much that it takes him a second to realize that Felix has placed the dildo next to himself and is comparing the…well, basically identical length and thickness.

Felix looks up at Chan. Down at the dildo. Up at Chan.

“Um.” Chan shuffles his bare feet on the hardwood floor. “Yeah, I uh. Got it ‘cuz it’s…your size. So I could like…imagine what you’d feel like.”

Felix looks like there are a lot of things he’d like to say right now, but he only manages a strangled, “ _That’s_ why you wanted to compare dick measurements. Asshole.”

Chan gives him his most winning smile.

“Get over here.” Felix says, dropping the dildo to the bedspread, “I wanna cum inside you and you’re making that _really_ fucking difficult.”

Chan tries to ignore the way his hole pulses at the thought and returns to the bed, this time letting himself be the one to press Felix backwards into the mattress. Felix’s cock is still exposed, and Chan tugs the straining waistband down with one hand.

“At least lemme look at you while you finger me.” He mumbles into Felix’s neck, laying sloppy kisses from Felix’s collarbone to his jaw.

Felix sighs shakily into the bedroom air and lifts his ass, helping Chan slide the last of his clothing off his body. Chan wraps a hand around his length and gives it a gentle, dry stroke that has Felix making the prettiest low-pitched _mmm_ sound. When Chan smooths a thumb over his slick head, Felix’s hips jump and he swats Chan’s hand away.

“ _Inside_ you, I said. Where’s the lube?”

Chan, not particularly interested in behaving when he can feel Felix’s wet cock sliding against his thigh, fumbles it out of the bedside drawer while suckling on Felix’s earlobe.

“On your back.” Felix says, breathy but firm.

Something in Chan’s tummy flips at the words and he acquiesces, still bashful but too eager to be hesitant as he spreads his legs for Felix’s inspection.

Felix’s eyes don’t leave Chan’s body as he snaps the top off the bottle of lube, and as a result, he misses his fingers completely and squeezes it all over the sheets. The bewilderment on his face makes Chan laugh for real, loud and ugly, throwing his head back into the pillows. He can’t believe he was ever scared of being uncomfortable with _Felix_. He forgets all about where they are and what they’re doing for a minute, the throbbing between both of their legs, and watches Felix frantically try to wipe the sticky liquid away with the palm of his hand. It doesn’t work.

“Babe-” Chan interrupts him through giggles, “Babe, babe! You’re just spreading it around. We can deal with it later.”

Felix grins sheepishly and gives up on his futile task, scooting them both over to the other side of the bed instead. This time he manages to tear his eyes from the spot between Chan’s legs long enough to dribble a generous amount of lube onto his first three fingers. He shifts forward to nestle himself comfortably between Chan’s thighs, free hand resting reassuringly on Chan’s hip as he touches one slick fingertip to Chan’s hole.

Felix looks up at Chan from beneath his hair, and his eyes are as warm as his bare skin against the insides of Chan’s thighs. Reluctantly, Chan lets them drop away from the comforting heat to allow Felix better access.

“Ready?” Felix asks, rubbing his index finger gently around Chan’s rim. It leaves a cool, wet trail in its wake.

Chan nods. Takes a deep breath, tries to relax the way he does when he’s alone. Felix is so close that the head of his arousal brushes ever so slightly against the base of Chan’s own.

Then Felix pushes his finger inside. The breach is slow, excruciatingly so when Chan is once again approaching cum-in-pants levels of anticipation. But it _has_ been a little while since he’s done this himself, so he appreciates Felix’s consideration.

Well. He appreciates the spirit of it, at least. Not so much the reality, when Felix’s finger is only halfway in and he’s still glancing worriedly at Chan’s face for any reaction with every increasing millimeter. Chan needs to be filled, and he needs it _now_.

“Felix.” Chan breathes, and Felix’s head snaps up in concern, “Your fingers are smaller than mine. I’m okay. _Please_ just put it in.”

Felix chuckles at the wanton desperation in his voice, and gently slips his slick digit the rest of the way in. Chan has never even had another person’s _fingers_ up there, and the feeling is…well, it’s fingers in his ass, which is always good. But it’s _Felix’s_ fingers in his ass, noticeably smaller and smoother and _different_ from his own, and it’s obviously not the cock he can still feel nudging at his balls but it’s _Felix_ , _inside him_. Chan squeezes around him lightly, experimentally, and watches the bob of Felix’s throat as he swallows.

Felix wiggles his finger around with a concentrated expression that’s frankly adorable, tongue poking out just slightly as he searches around inside Chan. Chan does his best to help, shifting his hips and murmuring, “Up a little more,” and then _oh_.

Chan feels himself fuck down onto the finger involuntarily as a hissed “ _yessss_ ” escapes through his teeth. Felix’s fingers are a bit shorter than his own, not quite able to reach his prostate the way he can, but the fact that they’re _Felix’s fingers_ makes up the difference, and he feels precum dribble down onto his stomach.

“Right there?” Felix asks with a smirk, hungry eyes watching him drip. Chan doesn’t dignify him with a response.

Now that he’s found it, Felix attacks Chan’s prostate mercilessly. His eyes gleam as he refuses to let up until Chan’s whole body is squirming and he’s making broken little _ah, ah!_ sounds. Stars burst behind Chan’s eyes, between his hips.

“F-fuck. Felix, fucking…oh my- _stop_ , I’m gonna cum again!” He pants, when he thinks the muscles in his legs are going to snap from the tension.

Felix hums innocently but graciously lets up on his assault. He looks far too satisfied as a second digit begins prodding at Chan’s hole beside the first.

“Another one?”

Chan’s eyes are heavy lidded and his chest stutters with uneven breaths as he croaks, “Yeah.”

Felix presses two fingers in, then three, scissoring them shallowly and offering Chan the slight mercy of keeping his fingertips away from Chan’s swollen prostate. The feeling is still almost overwhelming, and a few times Chan thinks that he might have to copy Felix and squeeze himself till his oncoming orgasm dials itself back down. It doesn’t help that despite his teasing, Felix is unbearably tender, rubbing a thumb across Chan’s perineum in an affectionate gesture meant to soothe the ache.

Chan’s so far gone that the thought of Felix doting on him like that could probably do him in, honestly.

Then, three fingers spread, Felix says, “Are you ready?”

All Chan can do is nod.

The absence of Felix’s warmth, even if it’s only a hand, leaves Chan feeling hollow and empty as Felix eyes his stretched hole appreciatively. Chan thinks vaguely that now that he knows what it feels like to have Felix inside him, that void will never go away until Felix is filling him up again.

And finally, _finally_ , he’s going to. Chan’s breathing quickens as he watches Felix squeeze more lube out onto the palm of his hand. Felix takes a hold of himself and slicks up his length, exhaling in a small, sharp huff at the momentary relief of his hand.

Chan’s fingers tremble just slightly against the bed, but the burn of anxiety in his chest has been all but extinguished. This is entirely _anticipation_. Felix’s cock shines glossy and wet in the reddening light of the setting sun. It glows as ethereally beautiful as the rest of him.

Felix wipes his hand dry on the ruined sheets. Then he takes hold of the insides of Chan’s thighs and spreads them wide, wider than he probably needs to. Chan feels the prod of something against his hole, and his body tenses. But Felix is still, staring down at the place where his head sits flush against Chan’s skin.

“I’ve always pictured you like this,” his voice is rough, “Spread out all pretty for me. You’re pink all the way down your chest, you know that?”

“Felix.” Chan breathes, and Felix’s gaze rises to meet his, “ _Please_.”

Then Felix is moving, grip tightening on Chan’s thighs, abdominal muscles flexing beneath his skin, and Chan feels him push inside.

And _god_. All the breath leaves Chan in one large gust, because in all those hours of filling himself with plastic and pretending it was Felix, he’d forgotten that plastic wasn’t even _close_ to human. Felix’s head has just popped past his rim and Chan can feel every inch, radiating with a heat that seems to warm him from the inside out.

“Okay?” Felix asks, and his voice is low, gravelly. He’s watching Chan’s body swallow him with a face like he’s seeing God.

“Yeah.” Chan replies, “ _Yeah_.”

Felix takes his time, pressing in little by little, but Chan doesn’t mind the deliberation now. The blaze of his arousal has been humbled to embers in his belly, dampened by an ardor that makes its home higher up in his chest. He adores even the sting of the stretch, all of his attention focused on the person he loves most in the world as pleasure scrunches Felix’s eyes shut and slackens his features.

When Felix’s hips finally meet Chan’s, it’s overwhelming. Logically, Chan knows that the dildo he normally uses is approximately the same size as the cock completing him right now. But the heat, the throb, the heady notion of _Felix_ make it feel impossibly big. He could stay here forever, he thinks, not moving, just holding Felix inside him, keeping him safe.

“I love you.” Felix murmurs, blonde bangs stuck on the corner of his parted lips, freckles standing out against the bare skin of his shoulders and chest.

Then Felix slides one hand up the hard cock lying against Chan’s abdomen. He gathers the precum pooling at the tip onto his small fingers, spreading them apart and staring in wonder as silvery threads pull between them. The embers explode into flame again.

Chan grabs Felix around the waist and yanks him down into rough kisses. One, two, three, hot and wet and then he says “Fuck me,” into Felix’s cheek.

And Felix obliges. He grips Chan’s hips and drives himself out and in, and, yeah, fuck, _god_ , he was right when he said Chan was missing out. Chan’s suddenly offended on his own behalf, that no one had ever shown him how fucking _good_ this was before.

And _oh_ , it’s good. Felix fucks him deep and slow, obviously taking care to make sure he doesn’t cause Chan any pain. The pace is _torturous_ , allowing Chan to feel every heavy slide of Felix’s length along his walls, the burning stretch of his rim. He wonders what he looks like down there, taking Felix like this.

“Oh,” he breathes, “ _Fuck_.”

“Good?” Felix asks, and his grin is so wry that Chan knows the look on his face says everything.

“More.” He says instead, pulling Felix’s body in towards his, and Felix gets the message.

He pushes Chan’s legs back towards his shoulders and rises up onto his knees to fuck Chan faster, harder. Their noses knock together clumsily as Felix presses his face to Chan’s, kissing him openmouthed and messy. With each thrust, Felix sinks deeper into Chan than Chan thinks should be possible, deeper than he’d ever managed to fill himself on his own.

Felix is changing the angles of his hips as he slides his tongue along Chan’s, cock dragging against one wall, then the other. Chan isn’t quite sure what Felix thinks he’s doing until he hits just the right spot and Chan’s entire body arches, eyes rolling back in his head so hard that he sees sparks.

Felix breaks the kiss at just the right moment to hear him cry out embarrassingly loudly, and his responding laugh is bright and playful. It’s a radical contrast to the way he immediately sets a punishing pace against Chan’s prostate.

Chan’s mind goes completely and utterly blank.

“Like that?” Felix teases, lips travelling up Chan’s jaw to his mouth, laying kisses all around it as Chan’s lips hang open stupidly.

Felix’s mouth journeys downwards, to his throat, his collarbones. In their line of work they _really_ shouldn’t be leaving hickeys on one another, but lips and teeth attach roughly to Chan’s skin anyways.

Chan doesn’t even know what kind of sounds he’s making anymore, really, head lolling back against the pillow as Felix bounces his whole body with his thrusts. He remembers hazily his amusement at the way Felix’s voice pitches up three octaves when stuffed full, and thinks he absolutely gets it now.

“Lix.” He gasps, “Lix, Lix, _Lix_.”

“Shit, Chris.” Felix chokes, his touch unsteady across Chan’s skin, “You’re so fucking beautiful. You’re _so_ fucking beautiful.”

Chan can feel his movements getting sloppier, and knows he’s close.

“You gonna…you gonna cum?” He breathes, “You gonna- _mmmm_ , gonna cum in me, baby?”

Chan actually _feels_ Felix twitch inside him at that, his pupils blown so wide that his eyes look pure black. His fingernails dig into the undersides of Chan’s thighs with a sting that goes straight to Chan’s dick, weeping across his stomach.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Felix hisses, and he leans down and clamps his teeth hard on the side of Chan’s throat.

The sensation makes Chan _keen_ , and he knows that one’s going to leave a mark. Knows he’s going to wake up tomorrow and see purple-black blooming where he can’t hope to hide it, that he’s going to spend the entire week checking mirrors and windows to make sure none of his concealer has worn away.

The thought makes him tighten around Felix like a vise.

“ _Yeah_ ,” Felix snarls into his ear, “Yeah, I’m gonna cum in you baby, gonna fill you up. You want that?”

Any response Chan might have made trails off into a garbled noise as Felix takes hold of him and begins jerking him off with a pace to match his thrusts. He doesn’t even need any extra lube – between the residue on his hand and Chan’s own abundant precum, the slide comes easy.

The onslaught is overpowering, Chan’s hips jerking back and forth in little aborted motions as he tries desperately to fuck himself up into Felix’s hand and down onto Felix’s cock at the same time.

He’s mumbling a helpless stream of Felix’s name, nails digging into Felix’s shoulders as Chan tries to pull him impossibly deeper. Felix makes a broken noise into Chan’s shoulder, starting deep but cracking high-pitched and whiny as Chan scratches down his back. Felix bites and licks and kisses Chan’s jaw, his neck, his nipples, his chest, moaning across Chan’s skin and leaving a wet trail of spit behind him before he finds Chan’s lips again.

“Gonna cum.” He pants into Chan’s mouth, stroking sloppy and loose along Chan’s shaft. “I love you so much, Chris, fuck, fuck, I-”

His words break off into a gasp, a shaky _ohh_ against the corner of Chan’s mouth. Then his cock is pulsing and there’s something hot swirling deep inside Chan, and Felix’s hand makes the most obscene noise slipping over the head of Chan’s cock, and that’s it.

Chan’s head falls back and he crushes Felix to his chest with a thoroughly embarrassing noise that might be a half formed cry of _Felix_. When his hole clenches tight around Felix’s throbbing length he has just a second to appreciate the desperate sound Felix makes before his orgasm hits him with the force of a tidal wave.

When he comes out of the white-hot pleasure Felix is fucking him through it, smooth and gentle as Chan twitches helplessly up against him. There are soft little _haah nnh_ sounds coming from Chan’s throat, completely involuntary.

It still feels so good, _so_ fucking good, and Chan would want to do this forever if his legs weren’t shaking so badly he’s afraid they might give out. He cracks his eyes open, seeing double for just a moment through the film of half-formed tears, and nearly has to shut them again at the sight of Felix.

Felix looks absolutely _wrecked_ , more than Chan has ever seen him before. His hair is a mess ( _did Chan do that?_ ), his skin is flushed red-pink like a sunset and marked with a very noticeable purple bruise on the collarbone ( _did Chan do_ that _?_ ), but the difference is in his eyes. He’s looking down at Chan from beneath heavy lids with utter infatuation, the tiniest of curves to his lips even as he fucks his cum deeper into Chan’s shuddering body.

Chan blinks at him sluggishly. He doesn’t feel like he has the strength to do much else.

“I wish you could look at yourself right now,” Felix murmurs, voice hoarse, “You’re the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen.”

Chan doesn’t even have the energy to protest, to hide from the praise. He simply lets Felix’s adoration wash over him, reveling in it like a warm bath after a hard day. Felix’s thrusts slow to a stop and he moves to pull out, but Chan makes a wordless noise of protest.

“Hm?” Felix asks, running a hand up and over one of Chan’s limp knees gently.

“Stay,” Chan croaks thickly, “Jus’ for ‘minute.”

Felix’s eyes go soft. The daylight is almost gone, but the dim glow that remains shines in those eyes like sunbeams on the wood of their dining room table. That’s what home looks like, to Chan.

“Okay.” Felix says, and sits there, buried to the hilt, body locked to Chan’s.

Chan reaches up and cups the side of Felix’s face with one hand, smoothing a thumb over his cheekbone. He can feel the heat of the blood beneath Felix’s skin, still pink but fading gradually back to its normal tone. As he watches, freckles washed out by the flush appear more and more starkly between his fingers.

He is so, _so_ lucky.

He doesn’t realize he said that out loud until Felix smiles, tipping his head affectionately into Chan’s open palm.

“You think _you’re_ the lucky one here?” He says, running a finger over one of Chan’s abused nipples and making his hips jump. The words are playful, but his voice is a little too breathless to sell the joke.

Chan knows Felix loves him. Chan has always known Felix loved him, all this time – loved him with fingers and toes and words and actions, loved him with fresh-baked cookies and late-night gaming sessions and lips between his legs. But he’s never felt so loved as he does in this moment. He floats freely in an ocean of it, still as glass, unthreatened by the waves of his own anxious thoughts.

For once, his racing mind is silent.

“I love you.” He says, squeezing gently around the softening cock inside him, “I love you. I love you. I love you.”

Felix grins wide and wild, leaning down to capture Chan’s mouth with his own. Chan says it again when they break apart, and the next time, and the next time. Over and over, until he’s mumbling it against Felix’s lips as Felix tries to shut him up, and they’re both breaking down into giggles and rolling across the mattress. Felix slips out of him quite on accident, but Chan lets him go and he flops down beside Chan on the mattress, sprawling like a starfish.

“That was…” Felix says eventually, “the most exhausting sex I’ve ever had.”

Chan rolls his neck to look at him. “Oh, _you’re_ exhausted?”

Honestly, he feels like he could pass out for a week. A month, even. Cum on his stomach and all. He’d thought last Thursday’s workout with Changbin had been hard? That shit was _nothing_ compared to getting plowed.

Felix snickers. “Bottoming’s not as easy as it looks, huh?”

“Hmh.” Chan sniffs haughtily and deigns not to answer, because Felix will hold it over his head for the rest of his life if he knows how close he probably came to actually just knocking Chan out with his dick.

Instead, Chan decides to solve the problem of Felix suddenly not being all over him anymore, flinging a leg over Felix’s waist and pillowing his head on Felix’s shoulder.

“ _Gross_.” Felix groans as the seed Chan had managed to spurt all the way up his chest smears over Felix’s ribs.

“Your own fault, really.” Chan kisses his cheek placatingly, and Felix can’t hide the way it bunches up against Chan’s lips as he smiles.

Then Felix shifts carefully, just enough that he can look down and meet Chan’s eyes without disturbing their sticky cuddles.

“Was it good?” He asks.

Chan thinks the question is rather ridiculous, all things considered. But the care and concern in Felix’s voice is genuine, and more than that – Chan reads nervousness in his expression.

“Felix, I’m pretty sure I just made the neighbors hate us for life, and you have _performance anxiety_?” Chan asks, a bit incredulous.

Felix’s lips quirk faintly, and he tucks a curl behind Chan’s ear. “Yeah, I do. It was your first time…I want it to be amazing for you. That’s what you deserve, always.”

His fingers slide over the shell of Chan’s ear, tracing cartilage as delicately as if it were spun glass. Chan breathes out against Felix’s chest, slow and steady and comfortable, more at ease than he’s been for – well, as long as he can remember. Then he props himself up on an arm to look Felix in the eyes so emphatically that their noses brush.

“You’re incredible.” He whispers, “I’ve never had anybody treat me the way you do. Not just the sex, but…but everything. Today, and yesterday, and every day before that, and _everything_. I have no idea what I ever did to deserve something this good.”

Felix kisses him fully, so tender that it makes Chan shiver. “You didn’t have to do anything, Channie. Just existing is enough.”

Chan lets out a choked little laugh, feeling fuller than he ever has, fuller even than he did with Felix sheathed inside him.

“You gonna make me cry with cum in my ass?”

Felix smiles into his mouth. “Maybe.”

The sun has disappeared behind the horizon, and though its radiance no longer reflects in Felix's eyes, they continue to shine in the bedroom dusk. He's looking at Chan like Chan hung each and every one of the stars now popping into view through the window behind Felix's head.

Chan doesn't know if he'll ever think he deserves that. But as he draws Felix into his arms on messy sheets, his heartbeat against Chan's chest in the dark - he's beginning to feel like he deserves this.

**Author's Note:**

> if you noticed the lil hint at ass eating - originally, i had planned a very detailed ass eating sequence in the middle of this fic, but then i realized that having coming in pants + the amount of ass eating i wanted to write + bottoming for the first time was...a bit much for one fic. so i'll be writing and tossing up a "sequel" of sorts to this soon that will just be an equally painstakingly detailed account of felix eating chan's ass. because i can.
> 
> if you'd like to follow me on twt, i have a nsfw chanlix acc: @babychanlix! u can literally just dm me and start talking about them and we'll be best friends immediately.


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